2. Developing a Compassionate Mind

     For many reasons, when we are growing up, we sometimes find that a negative, self-critical part of our brain develops. It nags us and tells us we are no good, worthless beings that deserve very little in life; and over the course of time this inevitably affects the way we feel about ourselves. It lowers self-esteem, and possibly contributes to anxious and depressive thoughts and feelings.
     This then becomes a familiar well worn path that is easy to access and probably underpins how we live our lives. However, it does not have to be like this. Just as we learnt how to criticise ourselves, we can learn how to be kind to ourselves.
     The concept of the 'compassionate mind' comes from Professor Paul Gilbert's book called 'Overcoming Depression' (2000). Here, we share with you some ideas for developing your own compassionate mind as a way of taking care of ourselves which we totally attribute to Professor Gilbert.

How to start...

     To begin with we need to learn how to value compassion - as it can make us stronger and more confident. For some people compassion is akin to being weak and lacking in energy and drive, and as such is not something to strive for. Yet in reality, it is quite the opposite.
     Nelson Mandela and Gandhi are examples of people who are strong and compassionate, and they are known for their energy, drive and strength. Can you think of someone you know, or a personality in the media, who you would consider to be a compassionate and strong role model?

Compassionate qualities include empathy and sympathy

     Empathy is about being in touch with how others feel, and in turn being more able to accept and understand our own feelings. It may be a feeling of disappointment or joy, but it is not about telling ourselves that we should be coping and not feeling these things.
     Sympathy moves us away from understanding, towards wanting to help to put things right. If we can learn to be sympathetic towards ourselves, we can learn to be sad and not necessarily become depressed or to think that there must be something wrong about feeling sad. It helps us to focus on feeling kind towards ourselves, rather than being hard on ourselves.

Forgiveness and acceptance

     Forgiveness recognises that we make mistakes and can learn from them. It allows us to change, as opposed to criticising ourselves at every opportunity and thereby keeping ourselves in a negative and unpleasant place that is difficult to escape.
     Acceptance and self awareness allows us to recognise ourselves for who we are. It's about getting to know and like ourselves and using our differences as information we know about ourselves. This is more helpful than wishing we were something else.
     Developing feelings of warmth for yourself may feel scary at first, and will probably require some practice. Start by imagining warmth coming towards you, and gradually build up to being able to generate your own warmth.

Compassion

     Compassion is about personal growth, change and development. It is based on self recognition warts and all, and facing all our foibles no matter how painful. It requires us to commit to taking responsibility for this change through training and perseverance. As with any new skill it will take time, and there will be some setbacks.
     The next step is to build a compassionate image, and to do this we need to practice giving it the necessary qualities. So these are some questions to help you start to build up your own compassionate mind:

So these are some questions to help you start to build up your own compassionate mind:

•  What would you like your compassionate image to look like?
•  What would s/he or it sound like?
•  What would it feel or smell like?
•  How would you like your image to relate/talk to you?
•  How would you like to be able to relate/talk to your image?

     Once you have built up a good image of something or someone that would be able to be kind and compassionate with you, try to start communicating with your image to help you think more favourably about your concerns, fears etc. You can also use your image to prevent you from returning to old self-critical habits by reminding yourself of your new forgiving and accepting self.

Reference:
Overcoming Depression: a self-help guide using cognitive behavioural techniques Ссылка
by Paul Gilbert,
Publisher: Robinson, London (2000),
ISBN: 1-84119-125-6

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4. A Grab jar

     When depression has set in - it is sometimes difficult to get motivated to do anything; with the result that long periods of time pass and nothing has been done or accomplished. This sometimes adds to the sense of hopelessness and despair that so often accompanies depression. So it is with this in mind that the concept of the 'grab jar' was developed...

Creating a grab jar

     If you feel fearful or anxious and find your mind whizzing round and round going over the same thing - distraction may help you to put your fears or anxieties to one side. The grab jar may help to take your mind off your worries.
     You really need to make your grab jar on a good day, so that it is ready for you if a bad moment hits. You will need a large jar, box, bag or something that you can put lots of pieces of folded paper into, a pen and paper, scissors. Then you need to think about creating two lists of things to do that fall into either of these categories:

Pleasure or achievement

     There will inevitably be some cross over, as some things are both pleasurable and give you a sense of achievement. Here are some ideas to get you going, but it is best if you make up your own list - as only you will know what gives you pleasure and/or a sense of achievement. Keep the tasks simple and achievable.

Pleasure:

•  A soak in the bath;
•  Hand massage / face pack;
•  Reading a chapter of a book, or a magazine if concentration is poor (also achievement);
•  Going out for a walk;
•  Sitting in the garden;
•  Gardening (also achievement): a particular task you had in mind eg cutting back a hedge;
•  Painting your nails;
•  Telephoning an old friend (also achievement).

Achievement:

•  Tidy up your underwear draw, or perhaps a kitchen cupboard;
•  Write a letter to a friend or relative;
•  Bake a cake or biscuits (also pleasurable);
•  Hoover a room, wash kitchen floor;
•  Do a jigsaw or sudoku puzzle (also pleasurable).

     As you can see, the lists are endless. If you find it difficult to think of things yourself, you could ask others what they do for pleasure or achievement. Once you have made your list - cut out each activity and fold the paper over, then put them in your jar.
     Alternatively, instead of bits of paper put actual things into your grab jar: eg a new nail polish, a little book of sudoku, a pair of clean gardening gloves, a little paint box, a set of labels (for files/school uniforms), a packet of seeds, a CD with some happy songs that you could dance to, a cake or bread mix...

You must always adhere to your personal safety. Therefore, if it is night or not safe for you to go out or do any particular activity - then do not do it, just put it back into the jar and pick another one.

The 'Five Minute Rule'

     The thing about depression is that you will probably not want to do any of these things. If this is so - then you need to bring in the '5-minute rule'. This means that whatever you pick out of your jar you only have to do it for 5 minutes. If you would like to do it for longer, then of course you can - so long as you remember you only have to do it for 5 minutes.
     The other thing that you may notice is that ordinarily you might expect to gain a great deal of pleasure or sense of achievement out of your activity. However, when you are depressed this may not be so. On the whole it will probably take time to start enjoying life as you knew it; the real purpose of this is to help get you back into the swing again.

Other applications for the grab jar

     If you have small children you may want to add in things that you could do with them, such as go to the park, finger paint, play football etc. Especially for those days when the day is stretching ahead, and you feel yourself getting anxious or despondent about how you'll cope with the children.
     You could have an Activities Grab Bag for your children with a collection of crafts stuff, paints, playdough, colouring book, dot to dot, puzzles...teaching children about the grab jar could be done as a life skill for them - helping them through 'boring times' like wet afternoons and long holidays.

Reference:

Mind over Mood: change how you feel by changing the way you think  Ссылка
by Dennis Greenberger PhD, Christine A. Padesky PhD,
Publisher: The Guildford Press, New York (1995),
ISBN: 0-89862-128-3

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