Behaviour to Ignore and Active Listening
Have you had a chance to agree some family rules yet? This is what some other parents have told us about developing their family rules:
"Talking about how we feel and what upsets us was a real eye-opener."
"My older son thought the idea was stupid, but the rest of us went ahead anyway."
"The children suggested quite severe penalties for forgetting the rules. I had to explain that we all make mistakes, and we don't need harsh punishments."
"I think I've realised that I used to notice what the kids did wrong much more than I did when they behaved well. Having the DOs and rewards helps me as well as them - and I've noticed a difference already."
In the previous sessions we have been talking about noticing and encouraging the behaviours we want more of and using penalties or Time Out to Calm Down for the behaviours we want less of. In this session we are going to look at actively ignoring unwanted behaviour. If we can do this in an appropriate way the behaviour will decrease and so will the battles.
We often say to children "Just ignore it - you'll only make it worse", when they are annoyed by other children or their younger brother or sister. Yet many of us find it hard to take our own good advice when it comes to taking no notice of the trivial, annoying ways in which children may behave. It's tempting to correct them every time their irritating minor habits or fidgeting grate on our nerves. But nagging about these minor ways of behaving seldom works, and it can sour the atmosphere between us and the child.
Do you remember the phrase "What we pay attention to is what we get more of"? Behaviour that attracts our attention tends to be repeated. This explains why it can be so effective to ignore some behaviour. Children need our attention and will try to get it in any way they can. If we pay attention to the behaviour we do want, the behaviour we don't want sometimes just goes away. If they know they'll always get our attention when they do something we find annoying, then when they want our attention - hey presto! it's time for that annoying behaviour again.
Of course, we can't and shouldn't ignore potentially dangerous or harmful behaviour - that's different, and needs to be dealt with. Time Out, which we have already discussed, is one way of dealing with this type of behaviour and we will suggest other ways in the next couple of sessions.
Can you think of some of your children's behaviours that may be appropriate to ignore?
Some ideas from other parents
Behaviour we might ignore
Whining/whingeing/using baby talk, hair-twiddling, fiddling with Velcro on shoes, thumb-sucking, interrupting, nose-picking, swearing, showing off, nagging, stammering (wait patiently), demanding things in shops, calling out from bedroom (after bedtime routine is finished), crying for attention (when plenty of positive attention is already given), low-grade rudeness/sullen looks.
What about things that it might not be good to ignore? Again, here are some ideas from others:
What not to ignore
Behaviour that risks harm to people or property; a child's distress, fighting, hitting, etc. crying because hungry, hurt or frightened, tantrums (recognise their frustration; don't give in; comfort when storm is over), obsessional/phobic behaviour, crying because afraid of the dark, monsters, nightmares, head banging, spitting, running off in a dangerous situation, being a nuisance in public, deliberate damage, angry offensive language.
You may have different views about which list a behaviour appears in and before beginning to ignore a behaviour it's important to ensure that it's something you can keep up. To ignore for a while and then respond can be confusing for a child; it also tends to increase their persistence in all unwanted behaviour since they know they'll get you hooked in the end!
Ignoring the behaviour not the child
What we are talking about is ignoring the behaviour not the child. This may sound confusing but many of you will be doing it already:
• Try distraction: When a toddler repeatedly goes to the DVD player, many of you will have found distraction a useful technique. When distracting, you don't mention the unwanted behaviour and pay attention to the child by encouraging them to come and join you in doing something else.
• Respond to the need or feelings behind the behaviour (without mentioning the behaviour itself). A child who is whining may be feeling bored, tired or hungry. We can respond by finding an activity for them, looking at a book with them or offering a snack, whilst paying no attention to the whining itself.
• Ensure that we are giving plenty of attention to the behaviour we do want. We all have needs and will meet them in the best way we can. If we don't acknowledge the needs behind children's behaviour they may just increase the behaviour or try to meet their needs in a different but equally unwanted way!
So the steps for Active Ignoring are:
1. Be sure about what you want the child to do that would replace the unwanted behaviour.
2. Ignore the behaviour for as long as it lasts unless it gets dangerous.
3. Do not mention the behaviour directly (e.g. by telling the child you are going to ignore what they are doing, or by asking the child to stop) or indirectly (e.g. by mimicking or criticising).
4. As soon as the unwanted behaviour stops, praise the child - not for stopping what they were doing, but for starting to do what you like (and look out for other opportunities to praise the behaviour you like, too).
5. Ignore the behaviour, not the child as a person. If the behaviour gets worse, it is probably because the child is being ignored altogether, rather than being paid (positive) attention for something other than the unwanted behaviour.
6. Think about asking others in the family (e.g. partner, older children) to ignore the behaviour, but without any ganging up or siding with one child against another. It's no good if you are trying to ignore the behaviour whilst Gran is constantly responding to it.
7. Think about the reasons behind the behaviour and what feelings in the child may be triggering it (e.g. upset, frustrated, hungry). If possible address the problem without drawing attention to the behaviour that has made you aware of it.
8. Ask yourself what feelings this annoying behaviour may trigger in yourself and how you could deal with/recover from/let go of them.
The flip side of ignoring the behaviour we want to discourage is giving positive attention to the behaviour we want more of. So, just as we need Time In to balance Time Out we also need plenty of positive attention and active listening for active ignoring to be effective.
Active Listening
Have you tried talking to partners or family members who are behind a newspaper or watching the TV at the same time as telling you they're listening? How does that feel? What is the effect on you? For most of us it's extremely frustrating and the likelihood is we give up and/or leave the room feeling as though we haven't really been heard or understood.
Listening seems so easy, most of us think we are listening to our children, partners and friends all the time and yet it isn't always that easy to do. If someone is talking to you, how often do you find yourself being distracted by your own thoughts? Or interrupting to give good advice or talk about something similar that happened to you? Or getting on with doing a chore so they have to follow you around? Or having a running commentary in your head along the lines of "What a fuss about nothing!", "I wouldn't have done it like that" or "No wonder you got into trouble".
Even if we don't say anything, we signal our reactions to what the other person is saying, sending subtle messages by the expression on our faces and our body language - our gestures, the way we sit, and so on. If we can switch off to ourselves and really switch on to the other person, focusing on what they are saying and tuning in to the feelings behind their words (that's empathy at its best), it makes the world of difference.
You could try it out...
If you have a willing partner, friend or family member you could try out one of the following exercises and note how it feels:
• Try to have a conversation kneeling down or sitting on the floor whilst your partner stands over you.
•Sit facing one another and ask your partner to give you his full attention and just listen whilst you talk for about one minute. Then ask him to remain sitting there but turn away, look at his watch, be generally distracted.
What is the effect on our ability to talk when there is a great height difference or the person we are talking to is distracted? Is that how we are when we tell our children we're listening to them?
In our busy lives, how often do we stop and do nothing other than listen closely to what someone else is saying? This can be hard to do with other adults and for some reason even harder with children. And yet it's so important. If we encourage our children by actively listening to them, they will feel more able to talk to us when they have a problem. They are also more likely to listen to us in return. They may even choose to go on communicating with us when they become teenagers - a group who sometimes come in for more than their fair share of being talked at rather than listened to!
Today's tasks
• Choose a behaviour to ignore and practice ignoring it.
• Think about ignoring the behaviour whilst not ignoring the child - would distraction work or are there any feelings or needs driving the behaviour that need an empathic response?
• Practice listening for 1 minute without interrupting.
• Think about the way you listen to your children and whether there are any useful changes you could make (maybe turning the radio/TV off when they are telling you something, stopping what you are doing, giving eye contact and getting down to their level).
